Friday, May 29, 2009

Meet Puberty Boo!

An Introduction to Puberty Boo...

Hi there to you people who have nothing else better to do than to read my mom’s very nerdy blog (hey, I almost called it a “blob”, oooops!). I am Puberty Boo. I am sort of real, but not. Theresa, my mom, who is real (have I lost you yet? I don’t blame you if I have) has created, me, a fictional teen aged daughter inspired by a mish-mash of her own teen kids, and their friends combined to create me, Puberty Boo. In this way, she feels she can preserve her kids’ dignity, but also to feel free to exploit their cute foibles and laughable teenaged antics to the world. She tells me poor Robin Milne who was the real Christopher Robin from the Winnie the Pooh stories, never got to live down his Pooh past through all his adult life. Theresa/Mom thinks she is sparing her kids, but, really, who is she kidding?
Mom thinks that because I am being newly introduced to the world that I should have a cute theme song. A cute theme song??? What the hell? Oh yeah, Mom will let me swear my head off, if I want. She wants me to be as “authentic” as possible. Since when is hell, even a swear word anymore? Geez. Anyway, back to this stupid theme song she’s made up. She thinks it’s quite clever. You be the judge.

It is sung to the tune of “Cruella Deville” from Disney’s 101 Dalmatians.
Don’t know the song? Download it from YouTube, Neanderthal.

Puberty Boo,
She’s Puberty Boo,
She really grumpy,
And pimply too!

That greasy hair,
Really needs a shampoo,
It’s Puberty, oh,
Puberty Boo!

See you in future postings. Or not.

-Puberty Boo

Monday, May 25, 2009

Not Everyone Loves Your Kids.....

Just Desserts

My senior neighbour seemed so sweet,
She came by this afternoon,
She presented some fresh baking,
The gift of macaroons.

“For the children,” she explained,
“They’re such a lovely bunch,”
I thanked her for her thoughtfulness,
And the kids had them for lunch.

Later in emergency,
As the kids each took a turn,
Getting their poor stomachs pumped,
I began to learn.

Of how my children ran amuck,
In my old neighbour’s yard,
How they destroyed her prized rose bush,
And her lawn, they burned and scarred.

Of how they liked to trick her,
Oh what was she to do?
Like when they filled her mailbox,
With some smelly doggy poo.

Of how they always like to,
Chase her cat up trees,
And when they locked her out of home,
And left her standing there to freeze.

When we checked out of the hospital,
(They won’t be eating for a while),
We saw our neighbour in her yard,
She had an innocent sweet smile.

With all the things my kids had done,
To this neighbour from next door,
I say, I cannot blame this lady,
For settling the score.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Stephen Harper the Squirrel; Today

Stephen Harper has been at it again. He keeps trying muscle out the chickadees at the bird feeder. I don't know why, as the feeder is squirrel proof. He is not very smart. I sent Daisy, my 12 pound wiener dog, out to chase him up and over the fence. Stephen Harper will likely be back, though.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

SAHM Comments on Cleaning the Loo

Tub Cleaning

First of all, I clean the tub as infrequently as possible. Now that my kids are older they’ve taken to having showers like their parents. So, not too much fear of catching some major contaminates from sitting in a filthy tub to get worried about.
On the rare occasion I do clean my tub, I clean it with shampoo with a clean scrubby. No Mr. Clean in my tub. Why? Because on tubs with tiled walls, any soap will work if applied with a good scrubby and some elbow grease. And also, when, on the odd occasion I do have a real bath, I’d rather soak in soap that is meant to applied to human skin and not some cleaning chemicals. Sorry Mr. Clean, just be glad I still use you for the toilet (which I DO clean more frequently than the tub, rest assured).
I tend only to only trouble myself with the cleaning of the tub when I am expecting visitors whom, if they stay long enough would likely use the loo at least once. Remember, you wouldn’t want your guests contemplating that brown ring in the bathtub while biding their time on your toilet.
Well.... in a pinch, you can always just close the shower curtain –if it’s clean, that is.

Toilet Cleaning and the Apocolypse

Apparently, recent studies have shown that the water in our toilets is cleaner than we thought. In fact, in the remote case of a national disaster, we could safely look upon our toilet water as a valuable source of drinking water.
Now, as far as cleaning is concerned, you can look at this in two ways. You can ask yourself, “Well, if I clean it with Mr. Clean (or any other type of commercial product ) will I be potentially poisoning my emergency drinking water supply?” or you can wonder, “If I use shampoo, will that be enough that kill any nasty bacterial life forms in my toilet; and will I be risking my families’ health with ecoli or some other poop related germ?”
Well, my solution to this weighty problem is to just clean it as you always have and think happy thoughts so that our collective positive thinking vibe staves off any national disaster in our time, and then we will not have to ever drink from the toilet!

The Bathroom Sink

Unlike the tub and the toilet, I clean the bathroom sink pretty regularly. Why? Because it always has stray hairs in it. My stray hairs. Dozens of them. And because I can’t bear to face the fact that I suffer from thinning hair, I try to get rid of the evidence as often as possible.
So... um my best sink cleaning advice is to buy one of those tiny drain strainers from the dollar store so you don’t keep plugging up the plumbing with your thinning hair strands.
This housework tip is getting too depressing....

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Dark Queens Park; A Sampling of Rhymes

Hi, Everyone,
I had my very first, ever, poetry reading a few weeks ago. For those unfortunates who could not haul themselves into the basement of the library to come by for a listen, and in honour of Hyack Days, I am offering my first online debut of 5 of the poems from the reading. Here, just below, is a wee intro:

Dark Queens Park
A Different Kind of Neighbourhood Tour

A Sampling of Rhymes
By (me) Theresa Henry-Smith

Welcome to Queens Park.
And as neighbourhoods go, it’s a beauty. It has gorgeous heritage homes on streets lined with mature trees. It keeps a proud history alive by being host to annual events like the largest parade in western Canada, The Preservationist Society’s Annual Heritage Home Tour, and a May Day celebration in the neighbourhood park. I believe I am, indeed, very fortunate to reside there.

But I‘ve been musing lately... Is there a darker side to Queens Park? An evil lurking behind those restored bay windows? Please, join me in this sinister examination in:
Dark Queens Park. A Different Kind of Neighbourhood Tour.......

A Murder of Crows

The four and twenty Blackbirds,
That got baked in a pie,
Had it really coming,
They surely had to die.

Their caw is so annoying,
And they rip apart our lawns,
Let’s catch them and let’s cook them,
That will surely make them gone.

May Day Parade

It’s the pride of our fair city,
Our Hyack Days Parade,
Most spectators behave,
But not so; Tom and Wade.

Every year they show up early,
With their lawn chairs and their beer,
They block the views of little kids,
They wreck the atmosphere.

They loudly boo at boy scouts,
And the senior volunteers,
And to the startled May Queen,
They make suggestive leers.

Well, karma had its way this year,
The pirate float; it went off course,
And accidently killed those louts,
Not one soul has shown remorse.

Now parade day is much nicer,
We really can’t complain,
Except if you like watching,
In freezing, pouring rain.

French Immersion Line-up

Its 2:00 am and freezing cold,
They drink tea, no longer hot,
They lining for the program,
They want to hold their kids a spot.

They’ve all been there for many days,
They cannot take a chance,
They really really want their kids,
To talk like folks from France.

Stepford Tots

At the daycare down the lane,
The children never seem to play,
They always walk in unison.
They’re taught to just obey.

The children all have vacant stares,
They make me think of drones,
They call their teacher ‘master’,
In robotic monotones.

I want to tell their parents,
I was going to make a call,
But a note came through my door,
Written in a childish scrawl.

It said:
Ring around the Rosie,
A pocket full of rye,
Stay quiet, our dear neighbour,
Or you will surely die!

The Physically Fit Undead

They sprint out in the morning dark,
Disappearing in the mist,
The neighbours think they’re joggers,
But they’re zombies, I insist!

The Eternal Renovator

Here is Klaus,
With his unfinished house,
Where he drills, and he hammers, and he cuts,
He’s finds it so much fun,
So he’ll never get it done,
And the neighbours on his street,
Hate his guts.

Here is Klaus,
With his unfinished house,
Where the streets all echo with his clatter,
The sawdust never clears,
It’s been over twenty years,
Now we’re praying for a fall,
From a ladder.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Book Review: Wuthering Heights

Wuthering Heights
By Emily Bronte

A step by step story on how a family can become go from normal to “dysfunctional supreme” in just one generation. This wordy tome had me on the edge of my seat wondering what further emotional damage that jerk, Heathcliff, would inflict on his pathetic besieged family.
Also, this book is an example for why the women’s movement did us a heck of a lot of good.
I chose to read Wuthering Heights because of another book that I read by Thai author Pira Sudham; he referred to it so much in his book Monsoon Country, that I felt compelled to check it out. Also, I thought, “Geez, if a guy from Thailand is so passionate about Wuthering Heights, just what have I been missing?”

A good classic read. It reminded me of a 19th century version of Dynasty. Heathcliffe was the original JR.

Stephen Harper the Squirrel; Today

Stephen Harper broke the terracotta watering dish beside the bird feeder in my front yard. He probably knocked it over when he was attempting (yet again) to steal from the chickadee bird feeder. He is evil incarnate.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

My Mom's Blog Review & Voting

My mom thinks I look like "Suzy Nerdo" in my picture, my blogs are too long, and she cannot see any humour in them. I don't think she knows who Douglas Coupland is, so my name-dropping did not impress her in any way.
However, I might be able to get her onside if I let her publish some of of her mother's (Grandma Bertha) old housework and cooking tips on this site. They would likely be the only practical advice you'd get from SAHM i Yam, so stay tuned!

I hope you all voted yesterday (stern look). The news said there was very low voter turn up. The voting station I went to was practically deserted! Don't tell me you had better things to do!
(more mom-like stern look)

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

List of Cool SAHM Band Names & I Love Douglas C.

You might relate to this kind of time-wasting fun, if you came from my kind of work background. You see I used to work for a large computer game company (as an artist, not a programmer -I can barely figure out this blog, for goodness sake!). We fellow workmates often had to work looonng hours to meet project deadlines. So, often, we gave ourselves a mental break by compiling silly lists (see below). Douglas Coupland (yes, super-funny-brainy-bestselling author, Douglas Coupland!!) worked briefly with us at our company. He describes the most ultimate and awesome kinds of time-wasting in his book, J-Pod. The setting in J-Pod is strikingly familiar to that gaming company I used to work for.... hmmmm. Anyway, enough blather; here is a fun SAHM time-wasting list to start. Participation welcome.

Cool SAHM Band Names (to start)

The Viagra Valentines
The Beautiful Laundrettes
The Balding Mullets (kids thought of that one!)
Invertebrate Housewifes
Stage Moms
I Love You, Now Shut-Up & Go to Sleep

Happy Belated Mom's Day & Stephen Harper the Squirrel

Sorry for the late tidings! Really, the most special day of the year for SAHMs and I turn slacker on you! Not even send any greetings out at all. No excuses, but I guess, like a lot of us, I was super busy that day spending time with my Mom, sister and the family.

It was also a super glorious weekend and I gardened my fanny off. Like last year, we are growing herbs, salad greens, peas, beans, carrots, leeks, squashes, pumpkins, tomatoes, and when Eric gets around to building a squirrel/rat/raccoon-proof raised container space, we'll try potatoes again. I want a raised container style potato patch so we can put a protective chicken wire cover on it as, last year, the furry pests ravaged our potato crop (pumpkins & tomatoes too!). They dug out the potatoes and gnawed on several a night. I HATE the furry pests. I am naming the big grey leader of the squirrel pack Stephen Harper. I will try and come up with names for the raccoon and rat pack leaders soon. Suggestions welcome. Also, every once in a while, I will report on the goings on of Stephen Harper, in this blog, and let you know about the shenanigans he gets up to in my yard. He really is rather annoying!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Teeny Tiny Rhymes for Folks Short onTime and Even this Title is Longer than the Poems

Heretical Musing
If Todd,
Was God,
It would be rather odd.


I run,
It’s not fun,
I have to do it for my buns.

For you Twilight Moms

I love Ed,
Even though he’s undead,
Wish he’d dump Bella,
And pick me instead!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

SAHMs Read

I think my book group suspects I’m a reading slouch.
That’s because I don't always have the book finished on time every month. But, I swear, the opposite is true. I may or may not finish my book group book because either I can’t get a copy on time or I am fully immersed in a book of my own choosing and do not want stop in midstream.
Actually I’m a book-a-holic. I read about 4 books a month. Some of my non-SAHM friends may very well attribute, the volume of material I manage to read, to the idea that I must idle away my domestic hours curled up in a comfy chair, nose in a book, while the dishes pile up and the kids starve. But that is where they are wrong (well, except for the dishes part). I actually ingest 3 out of those 4 books via audio books (the 4th one is actually read with my eyes). “But that’s not really reading!” one might say. But I say that, indeed, it is. Intellectually it all gets absorbed in the exact same way. Often, when I try to recall one of the many books I’ve read, I have a very hard time differentiating whether I had heard it or read it.

Now, think of all the mindless activities many SAHMs are saddled with in a typical day. What an audio book can do is, free up your hands to attend to those mindless things, while your brain is happily bathed a literary miasma because you are plugged into some amazing piece of fiction! This makes for a happier, more productive SAHM –although plugged in SAHMs risk starting to resent any daytime phone calls that might interrupt their stories, “Sorry honey, can you call back? I’m in the middle of an Elizabethan execution...”

Here is a list of the typically dreary activities that I now enjoy because of audio books: all housework (goes without saying!), cooking, long car trips, gardening, crafting, working out at the gym, dog walking, etc, etc. I bet, if I read more, I’d have a pristine home (but not bloody likely).

There are couple times in a SAHM’s life when “audio-reading” is hard to manage; when your kids are still small and not yet in school, and when they are on school holidays. It’s then when you feel obliged to pause your audio book or take your headphones off to actually listen to the little darlings -and sometimes your husband too (sigh, the sacrifices we make!).

Friday, May 1, 2009

Welcome to SAHM i Yam!

What's with this weird name SAHM i Yam?
‘SAHM’ is an acronym for Stay At Home Mom and, ‘I yam’, has been happily appropriated from, that vintage cartoon macho-man, Popeye; “I yam, what I yam”. I love Popeye’s simple style of self affirmation. I am happy to adopt it. Throw in a little bit of fun from the brilliant Dr Seuss and you get the picture.

Why start SAHM i Yam? Well, admittedly it was a way to get me off of my duff and learn how to create a blog -and (maybe) get some respect from my techno-savvy kids. Another reason is to help keep the creative juices in my brain from becoming stagnant. Sharing them with you will give me just that much more incentive to be creative (and write more!). Perhaps, it could serve a deeper purpose of allowing the world to see that a lot of us stay-at-home-moms (SAHMs) might have something interesting to say -or at least something funny!